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2 Sep

Why Women who are abused “don’t leave”?

I was watching NCIS the other day and practically cried after watching it because it revolved around how this lady who was good looking kept going back to her abusive husband because her self worth was tied to him, and in the end, she died because he killed her!

On top of that, I know many of my friends who stayed with their boyfriends even after they were hit before…. so why do women stay?

Psychological commitment

This is an important factor that holds a woman back from leaving even after being abused. Traditionally, women feel and think it is their role to keep the family together especially ‘FOR THE FAMILY’. Thus, many women go into the cycle of blaming themselves if they get beaten up by their husbands or boyfriends as they are not fulfilling their duties as a woman. I’ve known many of my girlfriends stating this:

“We have been together so long already, he may treat me this way because I have a bad temper?”

Dear Ladies, if you have a bad temper, what about him? So ladies, please DO NOT blame yourself for receiving any beatings or scoldings from a boyfriend or spouse because it takes two hands to clap. Plus, if it’s psychological commitment that is holding you back..do understand that we as women do not only assume the role of a wife/girlfriend in the 21st century BUT are committed to alot more than that.

Economic Dependence

Now, this is quite a well known fact why women stay even after the abuse. Many women think they cannot survive on their own possibly due to lower educational status, or the thought of being alone with no money. That was what happened with the girl in NCIS, so afraid to leave because she thought she couldn’t survive on her own BUT she died in the end because the husband was mad, couldn’t control himself and stabbed her!

So, it’s time to stand up and be counted regardless of whether you are financially dependent on someone because there are many organizations out there to aid you with food and shelter, and also skills to be financially independent in the future such as http://www.wao.org.my/

In the 21st century, women are seen as equals with men, not only the role of housewives. To leave and not be tortured anymore is a MUST….. Most importantly, do not let FEAR hinder you because bullies/abusers can smell fear and use it against you.. After the first hit, it’s not good news and a sign that he will continue it, following the saying “A Leopard will never change it’s spot” !


It’s time to empower yourself women of Malaysia!

Research has shown that these two factors are reasons women don’t leave when they are abused and I am writing to you who is reading this because you are a victim, or Know of one to take action, and be aware that violence against women needs to stop starting with yourself!

You can email me at [email protected] if you have any questions in regards to this matter.

Yours Truly,

Mei Sze

Choo Mei Sze
  • JingHan

    Good article MZ! It is time for women in Malaysia to realized there is more than life than your hubby. They should know they don’t have to rely on man to survive. This topic needs more attention!

    Till this day, I am still shocked by an encounter with my one of my part time co-worker’s boyfriend… HE ran in our store to beat her up in the kitchen. And our kitchen was filled with knives! He watched the other two of us so to not move/report to others. He stopped momentarily only when a customer comes in. Good thing my other co-worker and I managed to pass a signal and message to a customer to call the manager and police.

    With cops report etc., I was so surprised that she dropped the charges and went back to him!!! The owner tried reasoning with her and finally said she has to leave him or leave the job – she chose to leave the job!

    Till this day, I still wonder what happened to her. Wished I helped her more-but I was young and coward. I wish her the best and hope people will speak up and do something when they see a lady being abuse.

    December 18, 2013 at 8:27 pm
  • Ashley

    It’s also the self-doubt. Many times when someone scolds/hits us, the first question that pops in our mind is “what have I done wrong”. Even sometimes we know it is through no fault of our own. Many have told me that I have a bad temper, and that I deserve all the lecture and cold treatment. Lucky thing is my husband is not abusive and is very understanding, otherwise I think I too will think that it is my fault that someone loses their control on me.

    September 18, 2013 at 9:44 am
    • Choo Mei Sze

      Yea, so we should always be rational when thinking but if a woman gets hit..blaming themselves first shouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind. Immediately, you would then think you are wrong and want to apologize but it should be the other party apologiing first.

      Thank you for sharing..and it’s always good to know what is wrong on your side if there is an argument that happens..:)

      September 19, 2013 at 6:46 am
  • Sunshine Kelly

    some women are scared to face the world on their own, merely Psychological, Economic & Emotionally Dependence on their abusive partner. the hardest is to take first step

    September 4, 2013 at 3:11 am
    • Choo Mei Sze

      Yes, you are right but once you take that step.. you are one step closer to discovering yourself and being free 🙂

      September 10, 2013 at 10:36 am
  • Tony Leo

    I would never ever respect a man who hits on a woman, no matter who she is or what she did. Period!

    I have recently met a friend who told me how she has been in an abusive relationship for 6 years before leaving to Kuala Lumpur to run away from him. I asked her “Why did you stay with him even after he abused you? In fact, you should’ve left the moment he first laid his hand on you.” Her response, even after being away from this situation maybe a year later is “It’s also my fault, I think we both did it to each other. He is very hot tempered and I’m the one who knows how to push his button.”

    I am shocked at her reply.

    I agree with both the reasons you mentioned but I also think there’s definitely a few more reasons. Another one to think about : Have you heard of a girl who always ended up with the same type of guys or vice versa? They attract such things to happen to them.

    Just my two and a half cents!

    Have a good day!

    September 3, 2013 at 11:59 am
    • Choo Mei Sze

      Hi Tony,

      Thank you for your thoughts. i love to hear people’s take on the matter.

      Of course there are more reasons to why they stay but yes, you are right..I have many galfriends who always go back to the same type of guys who are not good for them…

      Although your friend said that.. that still doesn’t give the guy the reason to hit her…that’s what she probably doesn’t understand..

      Once again thank you for sharing:)

      September 3, 2013 at 12:18 pm